Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 34th annual Cruste & Spackle Collector Car Auction and Buffet here in sunny Palm Ocean Desert. As your auctioneer, I look forward to stoking the excitement as more than 4000 cars cross the block over the next 72 hours. At the end of this thing you can call me Cuddles the Miniature Pony, because I’ll be a little hoarse. That’s some auction humor for you. We auctioneers like to make jokes to distract ourselves from wondering how you mouth-breathers can afford to buy a clean pair of jorts, never mind a Freightliner full of E-types. But that’s a question for another day. The question right now is: Are you ready for a barn car? And the answer better be yes, or you’re gonna miss out on the best worst car in years.
For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a barn car, allow me to educate you on this hot new genre of collector vehicles. Just a few years back, you’d go to an auction like this and look for a car that was clean, shiny, and freshly tuned up. Like a total idiot! Originality, we now know, is more valuable than superficial considerations like beauty or safety or not smelling like the catacombs of San Callisto.
And nothing’s more original than a car you find in a barn. As you may have heard, a rusted-out Ferrari Dino barn car recently sold for $221,000. And that, my friends, is just the tip of the gorgeously patina’d iceberg.
Allow me to set the scene. Dust motes float romantically through the fading evening light. A mare whinnies in the distance. A soft breeze wafts in, redolent of lavender and summer rain. And there, in the center of it all, is the hottest commodity at this auction: a 1985 Maserati Biturbo. Here she comes! Just a moment while they douse that fire.
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